I just got the best present today for Easter: A Passover Bag of Plagues - http://www.riteliteltd.com/detail.cfm?Group_ID=13&Product_ID=127
My friends Chris and Sandra brought them over, since today is Easter Sunday. They know how I like to collect religious shit.
The crazy part is it's completely legit, and not intended as a joke. But it's definitely the most hilarious thing I've seen in years. No offense to Jewish people out there, but this is a truly fucked up toy to celebrate what is most likely the sickest holiday ever.
Here's what's inside:
- Blood, to celebrate surviving the waters of the land turning to blood. The kit contains red powder disappearing ink that you add water to, and I guess take turns hosing each other down with the stuff, using the handy squirting device included.
- A toy frog with squeezy bulb, to make it jump. Frogs apparently covered the land of Egypt. I'm not sure why that was a bad thing, but then I'm from the South where we consider frogs a food source. I'd be fryin' up me a mess 'o frogs legs.
- Lice. Yes, lice. No, it's not real lice, but a plastic louse. Wrong number of legs, since I'm pretty sure lice are arachnid. This fat little black louse is round and has six legs. But I like him anyway. I'll call him George. The dust in Egypt turned into lice and got all over everyone. This is my least favorite plague. Makes my head itch just to think about it. Itch, itch, itch.
- A little leopard mask, to represent the wild animals that came into their homes and wreaked havoc. Again, I'm thinking food source, but probably they didn't have guns then.
- My favorite: the cattle plague. The bag includes a little plastic cow that's full of that gack-like goo stuff that's super sticky and gross. His eyes are cut out, so when you squeeze him nasty shit comes out of his eye sockets, as if his eyes are exploding. There's also a notch on his ass, so I guess you have the option of cutting a hole there if you want to see snot come out his ass too. OMG, I just fell out screaming and laughing at this one. How sick is that for little Johnny: "Look, Johnny - God has sent a plague upon this cow. Squish him to see his eyes come out, just like the Hebrews of old experienced."
- Boils, represented by one of those sticky sling-a-hand slapper thingies, with three white pustules painted on it for fun.
- Two styrofoam balls to represent the hail that came down. Why two? I have no idea, but they look like testicles. "A plague of testicles on you!" My friends and I took turns tea-bagging each other with these.
- Locust, represented by what appears to actually be a praying mantis or walking stick. Couldn't find a decent locust manufacturer, no doubt.
- Darling little kid-sunglasses, for the darkness that settled over Egypt. I think this would have been a pretty interesting plague, since there was no electricity, and maybe they thought the sun would never come back and the world would end. Definitely a creep-out fear factor there.
- A small puzzle with a dead child on it, to represent the death of the firstborn of each Egyptian family. F*ed up, man. Can you imagine giving a non-Jewish child a puzzle with a picture of a corpse on it? What the hell? And they say Christians have some nutty violence issues, what with all the crucifixion and stuff.
So I'm off to do laundry, and then call my dad. I hope every Easter is as fun as this one.
