My year in NY is coming to a close quickly. Can't believe how fast it's gone. I still have so much to do! I wonder if I'll really ever come back. I want to, but I know it'll be different. Every time I move it's different. Maybe my next place is something else altogether.
My mom is so cool to talk with sometimes. Yeah she's totally self-centered and caught up in her own shit, but she knows really amazing things and loves to drill into the introspective every day. I can't do that all the time, but it's good for a Sunday chat. We talked about 2007 as being a pretty important year for me. She says that there's some neato numerology around the year...2 is for relationships, and 7 is for growth, and they add up to 9 which is fruits or something like that. Essentially, it's a year to work hard and enrich my personal relationships as well, and that it'll be a rewarding year.
She could be lying or making it up, but I don't care. I choose to take it for a hopeful sign that this year will be worth it and I won't burn out like I fear. I've been cutting so close to insanity on the work thing, and pushing way too hard in some ways but not really getting anything accomplished. So frustrating. I am hoping that I can reconnect with my team more and build those relationships back again. I've been Miss Invisible for a year, and I'm sure it bothers them. Or maybe it doesn't - maybe they don't care at all, which might be even worse. So my coming back will just piss them off.
Went dancing last night at Club Love
I think that's what I'll miss most about NY. No, not the clubs; the fact that people here don't think twice about being themselves, being out there, saying their mind, expressing emotion (good or bad), confronting each other. Such balls this city has. I love that I can walk down the street and people will talk to me, guys will whistle or say "Hey Red" and old ladies at the supermarket chide me for overpaying on gourmet jelly. I like that I have a nightly chat with the night crew guy at the Roxy diner on my way from the subway. My cubicle mates at work bring me chocolate and come by to gossip, and the girl at the coffee shop sometimes gives me a free cookie. I feel so connected to my neighborhoods in such a short time. I like that I know how to yell at a cabbie and feel justified cuz I know the bastard is not obeying the cabbie rules. I can also be very quiet and just watch the interactions between street vendors and tourists, the homeless guys having an intellectual conversation about the value of siblings, the huge rats in the alley by my apartment scurrying away as I walk past at night - gorging themselves and scoffing at me knowing they'll live longer than I will. Fuckers have been here since the Dutch settled probably.
My friends back home in SD think I'm getting more confrontational, and that's probably good. All that timidity gets you nowhere if you just hold it in. I'm not saying you have to be a prick all the time, just don't let things fester. I usually like to get things off my chest quickly, but now I'm practicing doing it even sooner.
Looking back, I've lost a lot this year. I lost my way a little bit with the company leadership, my vision faltered, and I lost a really good friend. I don't think I can fully regain any of those things the way they were, but I can find a new and better vision, and I can at least try to repair the damage with my friend so it won't be on my karmic headstone.
Had a run-in with another "old friend" this week which just really made me question why I bother to pretend that I like her anymore. She's really gone bonkers. So bitter and angry and uptight, such a fucking victim, and so incapable of being real and just getting dirty with life. I'm pissed because she won't fight like a man, which I simply can't fathom. Girls fighting always confused me...they really fight dirty. Have you noticed how much longer the pain lasts from a lost friendship or a fight with a girlfriend, than from a boyfriend?
I just hate it when people won't say what's really in their hearts, even when you tell them that it's totally ok to vent and be honest. Lord, if someone gave me carte blanche to unload on them, you can believe I'd take the opportunity! Especially if I was mad at them...
I can't believe I just posted for like an hour. I gotta go find some food that's more substantial than olives and peanut butter. Missed the sun today, but I like the night just as well.
